my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
