i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
