i jhust puked up my retainher.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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