I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
