she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
