Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize