if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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