Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
