That's intense
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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