Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
