My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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