I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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