When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
