I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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