she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize