I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
