Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
