My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
