I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
