She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
