Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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