So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
i now understand why vodka
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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