Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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