my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
