Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
