A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I fill condoms, not promises.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
