Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
