i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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