Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
