its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
