Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
