i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Randomize
