one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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