just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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