so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
My liver just had a heart attack.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
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