she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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