I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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