So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
