bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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