I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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