Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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