If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
