there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
