I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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