My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
