Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
