nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
