I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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