So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
