I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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