how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
vagina is talking i cant
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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