People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
