you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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