Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
