I wannas sexs uuuuu
why do cheetos always look like penises
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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