i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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